Photo by Jayme Lang
I made all the arguments with myself , including “she might surprise us!” And then I looked from other side, and the only one that mattered was… “she might not take all our attention from Wally…"
Trigger warning - because someone might see this and cry. Someone might assume it was easy for me.
And it wasn’t.
It seemed like all of our ability to battle was used up... but we were wrong.
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Guest Writer, Leah Moore
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Each day Kenzie asks for the same music video. Every. Single. Day. Repetition works for her.
Why? Because familiar feels good. It feels safe.
Eventually he and I stepped into a rhythm of him doing peculiar things in a particular way, and me knowing that was exactly what made him happy.
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Tragedy has no patience, it will not allow for daydreams. No part of him could be saved for my future self.
Maybe if I talk about it now, one of you will notice that you can’t reconcile the wave of emotions inside you. You will flag that feeling you can’t name and start to ask for help.
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I’ve let go of ever slipping into her shoes again, I could never fit, and maybe I don’t want to. They hard edges of me muscled forward by loss have also made way for my soft insides.
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There is an exhaustion that lives in my features that no skin cream can cure, these lines have been earned through trauma & sleepless nights of bad dreams.
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One image of heartbreak infused into today’s waterfall of happy photos. This isn’t meant to dampen your mood, only to stir a greater understanding that the world is full of happy & sad parents today.
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Holy smokes, it’s already been three months since we moved the twins into bunk beds an onto their Endy mattresses!
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Photo by Cali Peterson
So many incredible woman sharing their stories of brave times of life. Journeys that were uniquely theirs but that also brought a sense of connection to others who may have or do share a similar walk.
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Our entire family is rooted in loss. We navigate a child who can’t communicate the way she wishes. We have a baby that completes us. When I tally off that list, where does Wally fit in?
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Kids learn what they see. Mine will learn happiness. So, I better get learning it myself.
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Image by Jayme Lang.
I remembered how incredibly angry that remark used to make me. I couldn’t believe someone’s shortsightedness would allow them to think I had a choice in living my life after losing my son, to think I had a choice in putting one tired & broken foot in front of the other, and I would silently hate them.
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Because of you, I have no comfort zone.
Open heart open wounds open arms. I have harbored life and death, and I have begged for both.
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