Breastfeeding
Trigger warning - photo of a happy mom breastfeeding.
Why is there a warning? Because a happy photo like this one can send a new mom over the edge. If I had seen a photo like this one when the twins were two weeks old, I would have sobbed in a slump of defeat. Because I would have assumed (she’s smiling! a two year old still feeding!) that it was easy for her. I would have assumed that she never felt pain or frustration, she never felt the dark shame that I felt, trying desperately to feed my babies, and failing miserably.
You are not alone.
Read that again.
You are NOT alone.
No one knows the heartache behind a photo. No one knows what a snapshot on social media is angled and cropped to hide.
Woods is my 1 in 4.
1 babe in 4 that I was able to feed while also staying in good mental health.
That is a testament to the false messaging a new mother receives all around her, breast is not always possible... for so many reasons.
Mine?
Child died.
Child had low tone and couldn’t latch.
Child hated nursing and I forced us to continue, spiraling myself into a year of PPD.
I “pushed through” all the signs that Wally didn’t want to nurse, and I suffered incredibly. I said some pretty terrible things to myself 8 x a day while I pumped for Kenzie, because I truly believed that my 11 month dedication of pumping was garbage in comparison to my boobs.
And now? When I pull a breast out for Woods I hear from strangers & family alike “really? Shouldn’t he be done by now?”
Finally, when I have a child who loves to nurse, is alive to nurse, and I’m mentally healthy, I hear these words.
Well, F them.
I earned this happy photo, I earned these two years of feeding my kid, but I’m wise enough to share it with an addendum that it was fought for through some really terrible times.
Trigger warning - because someone might see this and cry. Someone might assume it was easy for me.
And it wasn’t.