Photo by Jayme Lang
I made all the arguments with myself , including “she might surprise us!” And then I looked from other side, and the only one that mattered was… “she might not take all our attention from Wally…"
Trigger warning - because someone might see this and cry. Someone might assume it was easy for me.
And it wasn’t.
Eventually he and I stepped into a rhythm of him doing peculiar things in a particular way, and me knowing that was exactly what made him happy.
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I’ve let go of ever slipping into her shoes again, I could never fit, and maybe I don’t want to. They hard edges of me muscled forward by loss have also made way for my soft insides.
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One image of heartbreak infused into today’s waterfall of happy photos. This isn’t meant to dampen your mood, only to stir a greater understanding that the world is full of happy & sad parents today.
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Photo by Cali Peterson
So many incredible woman sharing their stories of brave times of life. Journeys that were uniquely theirs but that also brought a sense of connection to others who may have or do share a similar walk.
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Our entire family is rooted in loss. We navigate a child who can’t communicate the way she wishes. We have a baby that completes us. When I tally off that list, where does Wally fit in?
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Image by Jayme Lang.
I remembered how incredibly angry that remark used to make me. I couldn’t believe someone’s shortsightedness would allow them to think I had a choice in living my life after losing my son, to think I had a choice in putting one tired & broken foot in front of the other, and I would silently hate them.
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Because of you, I have no comfort zone.
Open heart open wounds open arms. I have harbored life and death, and I have begged for both.
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A few years past that loss and a few more children grown inside me, I can see that I need to keep a part of me separate, I need a small slice of pie for myself - to feel whole.
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I needed to see that it was beautiful, this thing that I did everyday. The mess, the tears, the dedication, the love.
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Maybe the Universe knew you were coming, watched from above and whispered... "Just wait mama. That ache will ease and the rhythm will soften, a little one is coming with a needle and thread to stitch you all together again."
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This metamorphosis of motherhood does a number on a woman, body and soul. We work so hard to get ourselves "back" again after 9 months of pregnancy and endless months of parenting, but I've only recently discovered it isn't possible to be the person we once were.
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Not every photo of a mom breastfeeding is sweet and blissful, that mom might be in the depths of heartache and struggle.
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Photo by Justine Boulin
Isn't a woman's resolve remarkable? To hand a child over to heaven, to feel that break within you and then decide to chance it all again... and then again.
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Photo By Jayme Lang
You... ya, you. If you’re reading this and thinking “how did she know I was scared to talk about this?”
I’m here for you. I promise. This isn’t an empty one way space. Reach out to me , and let’s chat.