Mom... you're my best.
I used to sit on our bed when he was a baby and cry my eyes out, because it felt like he didn’t want me. He cried all the time. ALL THE TIME. If he was awake he was crying. If I was trying to breastfeed him, he was crying. If I was trying to soothe him, he was crying. He didn’t want me to snuggle him, he didn’t want to sleep near me, he barley wanted to be fed. I cried a lot when he was little, because I had already lost a son, and now it seemed like this one didn’t like me, didn’t need. And I was devastated.
As he grew, I figured out how “strong willed” he was. He wanted his blocks in a certain order. His chair just right, if I tried to help him I was sent a stern ‘NO’.
When he started walking (at 17 months) his frustrations lessened - and when he started talking (at 18 months) he was a different kid. He told us what he liked, what he didn’t, and I stopped pushing him to do things my way. Eventually he and I stepped into a rhythm of him doing peculiar things in a particular way, and me knowing that was exactly what made him happy.
Now... we are best friends. He asks for me constantly. When he’s sad he wants to lay in bed with me and cover our heads with the blanket. When he’s proud he runs to find me no matter who else just saw what he did. When it’s Friday he jumps up and down knowing he gets to snuggle on the couch with me eating popcorn. At dinner time he pulls his chair as close to me as possible, and at night he climbs into my bed and asks to sleep in my arms.
When he was a baby I thought I knew exactly who he was - and it made me sad. I thought he didn’t love me, and I thought it would be forever.
Now I see that the early months or first year with your babe is wonderful - but not descriptive of the bond you will have for life. Not even close. Baby Wally and 4 yr old Wally are so different, and my relationship with him has grown in the most magical way.
If you’re struggling right now like I used to, I promise it isn’t forever. If you’re crying while trying to breastfeed a baby that doesn’t really want to do it, or you see your friends with a napping baby cooing on their chest, while yours is in the stroller - it’s ok. Your baby that cries all the time might grow up a little and be a person you never expected or could imagine. He one day decide to be Owlette for Halloween. He might even ask you to run around the yard and jump off rocks to make his wings fly, and then look at you with shining eyes and say “mom... you’re my best.”