The Answer, was No
A few hours after we were told Lochlan wouldn’t live, I asked the extremely impossible question - could we donate any of his organs?
The answer, was no.
I truly did not understand the gravity of Lochlan’s illness, nor what it was doing to his little body.
He was so sick.
So incredibly sick.
And every single organ in his body was enveloped with that sickness. We found out he had cancer a few weeks after he passed - a test result that didn’t realize he was running out of time - just one more heartache to add to the pile.
But as the doctors & nurses scrambled around the room adjusting levels and taking blood, the thought that he might be able to help another baby gave me a moments ease - another baby could have his heart, could have his kidney - and the realization that his insides were too sick for anyone else to use made me crumble.
There was a moment in his hospital room - surrounded by chaos - when I daydreamed about walking into another parents’ home, holding their small child and feeling peace, knowing my son’s heart was beating inside their chest.
I actually had that thought.
I did... for a moment... believed that could happen.
Tragedy has no patience, it will not allow for daydreams. No part of him could be saved for my future self.
That is grief.
The hope + wish that down the line there will be a silver lining, when in hindsight, I can see there was no possibility of that.
Today, I miss my baby boy more than yesterday.