Grief Ages You

Grief ages you. ⁣

⁣No matter how hard I try, I can’t rid my face of these deep rooted lines. The ones that settled themselves into my skin when I couldn’t un-crumple my face from agony. There is an exhaustion that lives in my features that no skin cream can cure, these lines have been earned through trauma & sleepless nights of bad dreams. ⁣

⁣Beyond the sadness you feel after you lose a loved one, beyond the bone deep sorrow and flutters of confusion - there is a raggedness that settles into your features, and strangely the hard lines seems to soften you, making it clear you have a heart that has seen dark days. ⁣

⁣Grief ages you. It makes you wiser, softer, harder, less approachable, more empathetic, aware of time, aware of useless conversations and braver to say exactly what you feel. ⁣

⁣Aged beyond my years is how I feel, and why wouldn’t I? ⁣

I have lived through my sons entire life already... I have seen the start & the end of something precious. ⁣

⁣And yet... I keep putting on my cream. I’ll keep slathering my lips with ointment and I’ll push & pull the skin around my eyes to make the lines disappear for a moment. I’ll look younger in certain light, I’ll look fresh with a coat of cover up. But underneath it all, the years are there. ⁣

⁣If I wear them proudly or not, they remain. 

And some days, I am proud of them. Some days, I see the age that coats my features and think “⁣I survived”. 

I survived. 

⁣The years of loss, and love⁣.