He is not 6

I hate today. Truly, fully. ⁣
Because today you are gone. ⁣
Today we moved you from the NICU to Canuck Place, and held you as time slipped away. I’m so upset with my lack of knowing what future me would want... more photos, more videos, documenting proof that you were here and we once had you close. I watch the same few videos over and over again, the beeping and the hushed nurses whispering the background, never alone with you until the end. ⁣
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What a very strange day today is, we honour the end of you... That’s what I believed for so long. That today marked the end of so many things; the end of my baby, the end of motherhood, most certainly the end of me. There are too many moments of heartbreak wrapped up in this day, too many startling memories that leave me breathless. Too many moments I’ll never share, not ever. Perhaps that’s the way I’m made, a woman who carries it all deep within, my inner workings fueled by heartbreak as equally as joy. ⁣
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A cruel + forgiving event occurs as time passes - I can celebrate what we had, and let the hurt I was left with slough away, piece by piece. A turning within me has slowly let me see that today we don’t honour the end of you... we honour what you have given us, what you planted deep within our hearts, and we honour the brave and bold ways we have let it grow. ⁣
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And yet, today still makes me weep, a gutted to my core feeling of emptiness. Which I know, will never pass, will never lessen. I will carry the gift of this hurt for all my days because I was lucky enough to meet you, to hold you, to kiss you. ⁣
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And I can reason this all out, and know the growing + letting go is happening, the work I’m doing to nurture peace instead of anger is working... but rooted inside me is this feeling I won’t ignore, it deserves as much attention as the healing...⁣
I truly and deeply hate today. Because my baby boy is not 6 this year. That is the bitter, heart wrenching truth of it all. ⁣
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He is not 6. ⁣
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I miss you Lochlan ♡

Xo Mama