Mother & Son
Self portrait of a Mother & her Son.
The last month has been emotionally difficult for me, to share the goodness that is my daughter and the heartbreak that I’m left with after the loss of my son. I was eager to do it, to spread light on it all, but I can’t hide that fact that it exhausted me.
I took this photo today, feeling absolutely stripped of energy, wanting to show you a truth of this relationship.
This is me and Lochlan.
I watched something this week, that left me uncomfortable and inspired. Something revealing and honest. The woman speaking admitted she knew that listening to her words was hard, but that tension I was feeling wasn’t for her to fix with a joke or lighten with a change of phrase. That tension was mine, every inch of my body wanting to look away, fighting the urge to stop listening. That tension was what she felt everyday, and for a moment, I was drenched in it.
I specifically show you this image, and chose my words wisely. I call it a portrait of a Mother & her Son, not, a portrait of a Bereaved mother. Because while Bereaved is what I am, the gravity of this role is lost in phrasing, and you don’t truly see the weight I carry unless I show it to you.
The reality of this photo is so heavy with truth it might feel like it’s crushing you, and you might very much want to look away.
While I don’t need you to feel that weight always, it would be wonderful if you could face it for a moment, and see this part of who I am. Let it sit with you, let it open a space of empathy + kindness within you that wasn’t there before.
I am Mother on earth,
and Mother in heaven - a beautiful phrase that doesn’t fully depict the presence of loss.
And yes, there are more meaningful and deeply beautiful aspects to my love + care for Lochlan, I will never just be a Mother holding a box. But if I am truthful, this is part of it, this heavy weight of loss is far too light when it sits physically in my lap, and the truth of that breaks me. So many years not given to him, so much growing not done.
This is a portrait of a Mother & her Son, a women who is forever honoured, proud and heartbroken for the title.